Keeping your data monkey healthy

There are plenty of blogs out there offering advice for anyone needing to hire a data monkey. How do you know you’re getting a good one, qualities to look for… you know the drill. However I’ve yet to see a post on how to care for your data monkey once you have him or her. Here’s a few tips.

Housing your data monkey

Ok, you’ve acquired yourself a data monkey. Well done. To save me being politically correct re: gender for the length of this post, let’s presume you got a boy monkey. Now where are you going to put him?

In my experience, a data monkey is like a gremlin – best kept out of the light. Many a monkey I’ve known operates best in the dark. Sleeping issues seem to be common among this species. Since keeping your monkey in a dungeon would probably breach all Occupational Health and Safety Regulations, I suggest you stick him at the end of a corridor; where he can hide away and do whatever it is that he does with all that data.

Equipping your data monkey

There are creatures one can bring in to the workplace who will readily whatever standard equipment you offer. Not so the data monkey. If you only have one computer screen – well, FAIL! Everyone knows that a data monkey will grind to a halt without the screen extension facility. And there are times when two screens is still not going to cut it. You know that you have a serious data monkey when there’s a computer with dual screens, a laptop with touch pad plus an external mouse and keyboard for extra choice. Throw an ipad and an iphone on the desk too and lets hope that the dark corner you found to house said data monkey at least has a big desk.

Now don’t think because you have all this technical equipment that the data monkey is not going to be a drain on your stationery budget. This is a serious point. My father once told me of an office employee who took his stationery duties so seriously, that when requesting a pen, you had to return your biro thoroughly emptied of ink to prove you needed a new one. For a data monkey, this would be torture. Firstly, the data monkey has probably lost said pen. Secondly, the monkey probably has little patience for a stationery gatekeeper who believes a pen is a pen and you can have any colour as long as it’s black. This is so serious, I suggest you bribe the stationery guard with whatever is necessary to secure your monkey some coloured pens and highlighters. This will only partly satisfy the data monkey. For best results, house the monkey near a whiteboard and nod encouragingly from time to time at his scribble.

Socialising your data monkey

I expect that during the hiring stage you discovered that your data monkey had a social few quirks. He may be the sort of person who prefers to send an email to someone three desks away. Generally these problems can be overcome but there are two things which are deadly.

Firstly, ‘team building activity’ is immediately translated in the data monkey’s head to “kill oneself now.’ When faced with dressing as a jellyfish for the end of year party or death, the data monkey will surely opt for the latter.

The second thing sure to cause death is drawing comparisons between your monkey and Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. The only question in this case, is… whose death will it cause?

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Posted on July 26, 2011, in Data and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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